Why Your 10-Year-Old Might Have the Impulse Control of a 6-Year-Old
Have you ever looked at your child and thought, They should be able to handle this by now? Maybe your 10-year-old melts down over small frustrations, your teenager forgets homework assignments daily, or your 8-year-old can’t seem to transition from one activity to another without a battle.
It’s easy to feel frustrated, especially when you see their peers managing just fine. But here’s something that might change how you see these struggles: Executive Age vs. Chronological Age.
What Is Executive Age?
Children with ADHD don’t develop executive function skills—like impulse control, emotional regulation, and planning—at the same rate as their neurotypical peers. Research suggests that ADHD delays these skills by around 30%, meaning:
A 10-year-old with ADHD might have the impulse control of a 7-year-old.
A 12-year-old with ADHD may have the organizational skills of an 8-year-old.
A 16-year-old with ADHD might have the time management of an 11-year-old.
This delay isn’t about intelligence. It’s about brain development. Executive functions—controlled by the prefrontal cortex—are the brain’s “CEO,” and in ADHD, that CEO is still in training.
How This Shows Up in Everyday Life
If your child seems “behind” in certain life skills, it’s likely because their executive age isn’t matching their chronological age. Some common struggles include:
Trouble remembering multi-step instructions
Emotional outbursts over small setbacks
Inability to manage time, even with reminders
Forgetting assignments, chores, or personal items daily
Struggling with transitions or unexpected changes
And because they look their age, it’s easy to forget that their brain is working on a different timeline.
Shifting Expectations: Would You Ask a 6-Year-Old to Do That?
A helpful mindset shift is to adjust your expectations to their executive age rather than their actual age. If your 10-year-old is struggling with impulse control, ask yourself:
Would I expect a 6- or 7-year-old to handle this situation perfectly?
What scaffolding, support, or guidance would I offer a younger child?
What Can You Do?
Rather than frustration, try meeting them where they are and focusing on skill-building:
✔ Break tasks into smaller steps. Instead of “clean your room,” try “put your books on the shelf first.”
✔ Use external supports. Visual schedules, timers, and checklists help bridge the executive function gap.
✔ Teach, don’t punish. Instead of “Why can’t you remember?” try “Let’s practice using a reminder system together.”
✔ Celebrate small wins. Progress is slow, but every step forward matters.
Your child will develop these skills—but on their own timeline, not the one the world expects.
If this perspective shift resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. What’s one area where you’ve noticed a mismatch between executive age and chronological age? Let’s talk in the comments!