Understanding Social Anxiety in Children
When “I Don’t Want to Go” Means More
Social anxiety in children is more than just shyness; it's a profound fear of social situations that can quietly shape a child’s world. For many parents, especially those already navigating ADHD-related challenges, it can be hard to tell whether a child’s avoidance is defiance, distraction… or something deeper.
But here's the truth, recognizing and addressing social anxiety early can change the trajectory of a child’s development and dramatically reduce stress for everyone in the family.
What Social Anxiety Really Looks Like
Children with social anxiety often experience intense fear in situations where they might be judged or put on the spot. What you see on the outside might be small things like refusing to join a group, clamming up in class, or suddenly “feeling sick” before a birthday party. But inside, your child might be battling racing thoughts, panic, or shame.
This kind of anxiety can affect friendships, academic performance, and even physical health leading to stomachaches, headaches, or sleep disturbances.
Why Early Support Makes a Big Difference
When social anxiety is left unaddressed, the ripple effects can extend far beyond childhood. Anxious children may avoid group learning, miss out on social milestones, or internalise a belief that they’re "just not good with people." As they grow older, these experiences can lead to low self-esteem, relationship struggles, and even depression.
That’s why spotting the signs early and offering compassionate support matters so much. It’s not about pushing your child to “just try harder,” but helping them build the confidence and skills to handle what feels overwhelming right now.
The Hidden Thoughts Behind the Fear
Many socially anxious children are caught in a loop of negative thinking. These thought patterns, known as cognitive distortions, feed the fear and keep them stuck. Some common examples include:
All-or-Nothing Thinking: “If I don’t make a friend today, I’m a total failure.”
Catastrophising: “If I speak up, I’ll say something dumb and everyone will laugh at me.”
Mind Reading: “They probably think I’m annoying.”
Over-generalising: “I didn’t get invited once… nobody likes me.”
Filtering Out the Positive: “Sure, they said hi, but that doesn’t mean they like me.”
These distorted beliefs feel very real to a child especially one who’s sensitive, bright, and already struggling to keep up with other executive function demands.
Helping your child spot these patterns and gently reframe them is one of the most powerful things you can do.
Listen for the Subtle Clues
Social anxiety rarely announces itself clearly. Kids won’t usually say, “I’m afraid people will judge me.” Instead, their fears show up in more subtle everyday phrases. Listen for things like:
“Can I stay home today?”
“I don’t want to go, it’s boring.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“What if I say something stupid?”
“I never know what to say.”
“They’re probably laughing at me.”
“I’m just not good at making friends.”
When these comments become frequent, or when your child regularly avoids social situations, it’s time to pause and look below the surface.
By listening without judgment, validating their feelings, and not rushing in to “fix” it, you create space for your child to feel safe opening up.
What You Can Do to Help
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone and there’s so much you can do to help your child feel more secure and socially capable. Here are some simple but effective strategies:
Support Gradual Exposure: Start small. Let your child practice social situations in low-pressure environments like saying hello to a neighbour, ordering food, or calling a relative. Each step builds confidence.
Avoid Speaking for Them: It’s tempting to rescue them in awkward moments, but stepping back (gently) helps them learn that they can handle the discomfort.
Celebrate Bravery, Not Perfection: Highlight effort over outcome. “I saw how nervous you were, and you still joined the group how brave!”
Teach Simple Coping Tools: Deep breathing, “brave scripts” (e.g., “Hi, can I play too?”, or “Hi, that looks really interesting, can you tell me what you’re doing?), or even having a comfort object like a worry stone to rub in their pocket can make a difference.
Model Social Courage: Let them see you strike up a conversation or laugh off a small social slip. Kids learn so much from how we handle our own fears.
Reach Out for Support: If the anxiety is holding your child back or becoming a source of daily stress for your family then talking to a specialist can help. Social skills groups, therapy, or ADHD-informed parent coaching can provide real relief and help your child learn to thrive in social situations.
If your child dreads birthday parties, clings to you at drop-off, or complains about feeling “invisible” at school, don’t dismiss it as just a phase. It may be their way of asking for help.
Social anxiety is incredibly common, especially in children with ADHD, and it’s also incredibly manageable. With empathy, the right tools, and early support, your child can learn to feel more confident in their skin… and in their world.