Understanding "Bad Behavior" in Children with ADHD: It’s a Symptom, Not the Problem
As a parent, it can be frustrating when your child acts out, especially when it feels like a pattern of misbehavior. However, when it comes to children with ADHD, what may appear as bad behavior is often something much deeper. Children with ADHD are not trying to cause trouble; they are communicating the only way they know how.
The Two Ways Children Communicate
Kids, especially those with ADHD, communicate in two primary ways:
Direct Communication: In an ideal world, a child could sit down and tell their parents, "I'm struggling. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do" or "I'm feeling overwhelmed, and it's hard to focus." Unfortunately, this level of self-awareness and verbal expression is challenging, particularly for children with ADHD who may not have developed these executive function skills.
Indirect Communication (Acting Out): When children lack the ability to express their emotions or struggles, they often act out. This behavior might look like tantrums, defiance, or a refusal to complete tasks. It’s easy to label this as misbehavior, but in reality, it’s their way of saying, "I can’t meet these expectations." The child isn’t being difficult on purpose; they are signaling that they need help.
ADHD and Executive Function Skills
Children with ADHD typically struggle with executive function skills, which are essential for planning, organizing, managing time, and completing tasks. When a child with ADHD is expected to do something they don’t yet have the skills for, such as sitting still for an extended period or completing homework without guidance, they feel overwhelmed. Their “bad behavior” is a signal: "I can’t do this on my own."
Addressing the Cause, Not Just the Behavior
The key to helping children with ADHD isn’t simply to stop the bad behavior. Punishing them for acting out without addressing the underlying issue only reinforces a negative cycle of frustration and shame. Instead, we need to equip these children with the skills they’re lacking.
Rather than focusing on changing the child’s behavior, the focus should be on helping them develop the executive function skills they need to meet the expectations placed on them. This can include:
Breaking tasks down into smaller, manageable steps.
Providing visual aids and reminders for routines.
Offering support and patience as they build up their skills over time.
Helping them learn how to communicate their challenges in ways other than acting out.
Meet Sarah
Take Sarah, a 9-year-old with ADHD. Every morning, her parents face a battle to get her ready for school. She resists getting dressed, forgets to pack her backpack, and often ends up in tears when asked to hurry. Her parents feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells, unsure when the next outburst will happen.
But Sarah’s behavior is not the problem—it’s a symptom. Sarah’s lack of executive function skills, like planning and time management, make the morning routine overwhelming for her. Rather than understanding what to do first, second, and third, Sarah feels lost and incapable, which triggers her emotional outbursts.
Once her parents realized this, they shifted their approach. Instead of simply telling Sarah to "hurry up" and getting frustrated when she didn’t comply, they broke the morning routine into smaller steps. They created a visual chart with pictures (known as scaffolding) showing each step of the routine, from brushing teeth to putting on shoes. They also allowed extra time for each task, so Sarah didn’t feel pressured.
Over time, Sarah’s morning outbursts diminished. She still had difficult days, but as she learned and practiced the skills needed for the morning routine, she began to feel more in control—and the acting out lessened.
Conclusion
When children with ADHD act out, it’s essential to remember that this behavior is not the root cause. It’s a symptom of underlying challenges in executive function skills. The solution isn’t to focus solely on changing the behavior, but to help the child build the skills they need to meet expectations. By providing patience, understanding, and targeted support, parents can help their children navigate the world with more confidence and fewer meltdowns.